


Angst - Phan | Collab Fic

by JulienneJc



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Phan Angst, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 06:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8738716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulienneJc/pseuds/JulienneJc
Summary: It was 9Am, and Dan still hadn't slept. All night he just stared at the ceiling and thought. Most of his thoughts were of Phil and depressing things. He now had dark circles under his eyes, an obvious give away. He sat up, hearing birds chirping. Phil on the other hand was dreaming despite the roaring sound waves that were erupting from his alarm clock. If Lion was alive, he would be deaf by now. But at last, this silly, raven haired man slept. His mind compelled with a scenery of hills of sweets, narwhals flying in the sky, lions of company and Phil, himself, King of this majestic land. Dan sighed, pushing his hair back and standing up. He hadn't worn anything else but jumpers in weeks, as he had been doing something underneath the sleeves that he wasn't ready to admit. He quickly found a tan hoodie, slipping that on with his regular skinny jeans. As soon as he went out of his room, he heard Phil's alarm. He knocked loudly on his door  "Phillip Michael Lester get the hell up" he said loudly.





	

Warning: Cutting

 

\----

 

It was 9Am, and Dan still hadn’t slept. All night he just stared at the ceiling and thought. Most of his thoughts were of Phil and depressing things. He now had dark circles under his eyes, an obvious give away. He sat up, hearing birds chirping. Phil on the other hand was dreaming despite the roaring sound waves that were erupting from his alarm clock. If Lion was alive, he would be deaf by now. But at last, this silly, raven haired man slept. His mind compelled with a scenery of hills of sweets, narwhals flying in the sky, lions of company and Phil, himself, King of this majestic land. Dan sighed, pushing his hair back and standing up. He hadn’t worn anything else but jumpers in weeks, as he had been doing something underneath the sleeves that he wasn’t ready to admit. He quickly found a tan hoodie, slipping that on with his regular skinny jeans. As soon as he went out of his room, he heard Phil’s alarm. He knocked loudly on his door **  
**

 

“Phillip Michael Lester get the hell up” he said loudly. Phil’s eyes fluttered open. The numb feeling of suddenly being awake paralyzed him. His eyes blinked as his brain registered his surroundings. The fog in his mind dispatched with a loud constant ringing noise entered it. His hand deactivated the alarm and patted lion on his head.

 

“What!?” Phil asked, trying to remember what his flatmate yelled underneath the alarm clock’s screaming.

 

“I said to get the hell up, Lester” Dan said, walking into Phil’s room and yawning. He was noticing a lot more than usual, the fact that there’s 12 kitten stickers on Phil’s bed frame that he’d never seen before. And that Phil’s pajamas were slightly too big for him. Dan flopped down on the bed on top of his legs

 

“Let me sleep!” Phil cried jokingly. “Ow, You’re heavy!” Phil laugh trying to shove Dan off of him.

 

“I’m comfortable though” Dan whined, putting his head on Phil’s chest. Who knew he was so comfortable? He smiled, really liking this position

 

“You’re not gonna get up, are you?” Phil questioned, pinned to his bed, unable to move. He was annoyed. “SO, you woke me up, becaaauuuse?”

 

“Because I was up. And because it’s almost noon. And because I want you to make me coffee” Dan said quietly, holding Phil’s hand. He always felt better when with Phil.

 

“Huh…” Phil wondered silently in his thoughts. He shifted upwards, sitting up to look at Dan. His perspective glued on the brown haired brown boy staring right back at him. He smiled, filling we warm and happiness and curiosity. “Hey…” Phil started, in a low questioning tone.

 

Dan’s brain then sparked, his thoughts racing. _Is he gonna say something about my jumper? Is he gonna tell me to leave? What if he says I look bad? Does he think I look bad? Do I look bad? Is he gonna ask why I’m in his room? Is he mad at me?_ Dan stared up into Phil’s ocean eyes, making him slightly calmer. He smiled up nervously, his brain still a mess.

 

Silence spawned in the corner of the room. The only audible sound was the inhaling and exhaling of the two males laying on the bed.

 

“….Do you think coffee might taste good in cereal? Like, instead of milk, you put coffee?” Phil asked Dan, innocent developed his the blue oceans of his eyes. Dan closed his eyes and sighed, rubbing his face. His thoughts were canceled by Phil’s actual question. That somehow made him feel bad that he’d even think that Phil would say any of those things.

 

“I think that you’re definitely not going to eat coffee on cereal” He glanced up at Phil and his eyes, Dan’s heart did the flippity-over-thing

 

“But what if it’s amazing! It might be the new Pumpkin Spice trend! DAN!” Phil excitedly zapped, shaking Dan from his shoulders. “WE NEED TO START IT BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE DISCOVERS IT!!”

 

“Oh god, okay yeah, you do that.” Dan muttered rolling his eyes. “I’ll taste your creation and tell you if it tastes of ass or not.” Dan got up and yawned

 

“Yes!” Phil smiled, pleased with Dan’s answer. He stretched and yawned the rest of the sleep away. He watched Phil, wondering how such an amazing human would ever like him. Probably doesn’t. That’s okay. He kept almost falling asleep, his eyelids heavy. Coffee sounded pretty good.

 

“Hey, Dan, you okay?” Phil question the sleepy zombie that was following him with his brown eyes. Phil’s eyebrows perked up and a smirk appeared. “Did the Danasaur didn’t got enough sleep last night?”

 

“Oh shut up you dork.” Dan shook himself back into reality, now holding Phil’s hand. “But yeah, didn’t sleep.” He said, smiling weakly

 

“How come” Phil asked a bit more concern than he intended.

 

“You know, just thinking. I counted four hundred eighty stitches in my duvet then stopped.” Dan messed with his hair, a thing he did when nervous

 

“Wow….. that’s a lot” Phil slurred, letters soaked in cautious and worried some serum.

 

“Yeah” Dan muttered, yawning and smiled softly. He went to the lounge, sitting down on the couch. He wondered if Phil had slept well.

 

The silence gnawed on Phil’s cochlea. His patient broke and sprang up upon his feet. His feet then brought him to the lounge away from the comfy bed he was previously safe snoozingly in. He cracks his back with a twist of his shoulders. He slowly sink into one of their colourful chairs and rearranged it directly in front of Dan. “You wanna talk about it?” Phil gave his famous friendly, accepting smile.

 

Dan had never been good at ‘talking about it’. He could rant on camera or write it down but one on one, just him and another person wasn’t his forte. Either awkward or uncomfortable or scary.

 

“What is there to talk about? My emotions are a mess and so am I” Dan chuckled

 

“Well…. I don’t think so. Sure, your upload schedule is a bit sad,” Phil laughs. “But you put so much effort into them more than anyone I know!”

 

Dan rolled his eyes, the smallest bit flattered. “Thanks Phil” he said and smiled. Not a completely genuine smile but a loving one. Phil scooched his chair closer to Dan, ready to listen to his words he’ll expel into this world.

 

“It’s story time now is it?” Dan laughed lightly. He messed with his hair, putting a pillow in his lap. “I really don’t know. I guess my thoughts have been a mess. I’ve been in that mental state where you can’t think right  and nothing seems real.” He sighs, shaking his head. “Maybe I’m depressed cause of that.” He looks into Phil’s eyes

 

“Do you know why you’re depressed?” Phil asked, pupils dilating larger.

 

 _Do I?_ Dan thought. _Nothing bad is happening.._ “No? Maybe I just haven’t been out enough or something.” He yawns again, pushing the hair out of his face.

 

“What have your thoughts been lately?” Phil cocks his head to the left with curiosity.

 

 _Wow cute_ “Mostly just weird life thoughts. Not anything you should be worried about” His voice comes out colder than he thought it would

 

“Okay, what are they?” Phil proceeds to pry innocently.

 

“That maybe the idea of death is more of a win. Like, if you’re alive then you already are playing the game. Life is like Monopoly Phil, stressful, stupid, and very few people like it” Dan stated, his eyes closed.

 

“I don’t think you’re right. I agree that Life is like a game but not Monopoly. It’s it own game. No one really wins nor loses. Yeah, there’s stress and sometimes it’s stupid.” Phil smiles. “But it’s worth playing because there are moments that are incredible! You can do anything if you put your efforts into it! Things happen that you never knew you ever wanted! I met you.” Phil paused, staring deeply at the man before him. “Life is like riding a bike. You first ride it with training wheels but after sometime, you take them off……..  You can learn on your own, doing things on your own. But sometimes you take a ride with your friends….. and see where the ride takes you.“

 

 _Shit._ Dan started laughing, he covered his face with a pillow “You’re so stupid, you know that? I don’t know how you do it. You make serious things sound so much more innocent and sweet” he says pushing his hair back and sighing. “But I’d rather sleep all day.” He said, now slightly nervous to look at Phil.

 

“What?” Phil laugh at the sight of Mr. Giggles there. “Alright, you want serious? I don’t want you to sleep all day…… I’ll miss you too much” Phil whispered, eyes adverted to the wooden floor.

 

It was then silent, Dan’s eyes now on Phil. He’s lovely, inside and out. He wasn’t sure what to say for a moment, wanting to say so many things but all of them not fitting. “Are you glad that I’m here? I mean, in your life? Am I making it better?” He asked quietly

 

Phil started to giggle with his tongue sticking out” Of course!!“ He replied, a grin splattered across his face. “Of course.” He repeated with a distinct serious tone armoring his words.

 

“Good, I’m gonna casually go back to bed, okay goodbye” Dan said, getting up and starting back to his room. He wanted to avoid any further thoughts or serious conversation. So, procrastination napping was his next move. As Dan passed Phil, Phil’s hand shot out and grabbed Dan’s arm. Gently he curls his fingers around Dan’s soft skin.

 

“Wait.” Phil muttered. “You’re not okay. I’m here, you know. I want you to know that, that you can tell me anything.”

 

 _Don’t fall for it Dan, you need to just keep it to yourself. It’s the better option._ Dan swallowed, scared that Phil would push his sleeve up anymore. He knows.

 

“I’m fine, Phil. And you know what, we can even go out right now for me to prove it to you.” He suggested, knowing Phil would say no.

 

“Humans that say, ‘I’m fine.’ 90% means the opposite.” Phil sternly stated. Eager to know what’s been bothering Dan.

 

“Well I guess I’m in that other 10 percent.” He said, pulling his arm away. He smiled softly, thinking it’d help him to seem more believable.

 

“No!” Phil spit, cooling from fire. He then proceeds to follow the tall brown haired man. “Dan, I know you. I can tell when you have something bothering you.”

 

“Haven’t you maybe thought that you’re bothering me?” Dan roared annoyedly. He regretted saying that, because he didn’t mean it. His back was to Phil, and he was picking his nails.

 

“You’re latching out. Look, I don’t know what you are going through but I know it might help if you talk about it!” Phil scoffs. “Sure, I’m not a professional therapist but I will do my best to help you! So?”

 

Dan breathed deeply, thinking of any response that would sound soft and nice. Something that would make it seem as if he was okay and that he just wanted to be alone. That isn’t what happened. “I don’t want to talk to you. Just…Don’t talk to me because I won’t answer the way you want me to.” He said, slightly too loud. He went to his room, closing the door.

 

Phil gulped. The over powered soundwaves from Dan in the past rang through his head. There was a slam with the door. He ran his finger through his hair and walked towards Dan’s room. He cleared his throat. Silence scattered in the hallway. The muted dragon wisp flew about. Phil stared numbly at the ground. He then slouched down and sat, leaning against Dan’s wooden shut-in door.

 

“Dan….” Phil barely spoke over a whisper before his voice shattered. He cleared the dust of Silent sprites out of his esophagus “Dan, there…. there isn’t ah-a right answer that I want.” Phil protested.

 

No answer.

 

“Do you think I want you to smile when I know you’re just wearing a mask? I don’t.”

 

Dan closed his eyes, sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. His eyes were closed, tears spilled onto his hands and down his arms. Thoughts were scaring him, not allowing him to think logically and fix this. _Phil hates you. You really don’t deserve him. Why did you have to say that?_ Phil’s words somehow managed to get into his thoughts. Into his brain and to his heart. That scared him. Why did it scare him? Maybe because he was too in love to know what to say. Dan tried not to make any noticeable crying noise, most likely failing. “Please go away” he mumbled, hoping Phil heard.

 

Phil got up and left the hallway in search of his phone. Once he found it, he returned to his place in front on Dan’s door. His fingers fumbled to messages and clicked on Dan’s name. His fingers swiftly typed in letters that composed a meaningful word. “Hi” He pressed send.

 

Dan glanced at his phone as it vibrated. He hesitantly picked it up, to see that Phil had texted him. “Hi”. He read the word, his eyes hovering. After a moment, that felt like forever he typed.

 

“what are you doing” he hit send.

 

“Sometimes it’s easier to type out what we’re thinking than saying it in person” - Phil

 

Dan smiled a bit at this, going and sitting with his back to the door.

 

“This is stupid” - Dan

 

“lol alright you can think that XD So, whats up?” - Phil

 

“What do you think, smart guy? Cause wow, I know, maybe having a mental breakdown?” -Dan

 

“How come?” - Phil

 

“Because I think maybe you hate me?” -Dan

 

Phil froze at Dan’s new text. His wide eyes prickled with water, and his heart dropped. His finger zapped into motion, pressing the letters he wanted.

 

“I don’t hate you! I want you to know that I do NOT hate you.” - Phil

 

Dan sighed, still crying lightly. He was never really sure of anything anymore.

 

“I want to believe you but my head is being shitty.” -Dan

 

“I say so! Look, Dan, I know you over think stuff but I am telling you I do not hate you.” - Phil

 

Phil typed in the next text, “I love you” But he starred, finger hovering over the send button. Nervousness delved deep within his veins. Unsure the possibility of Dan’s reaction. Was this even the good time? I guess Phil didn’t really care.

 

He pressed send.

 

“I love you” - Phil

 

Dan’s heart probably skipped a beat. He was not expecting that. He read it over and over again, thoughts going even faster now. All still bad except the only one that was good. _Phil just said he loves you._ But what if- all the “What if” questions came flooding in.

 

“Phil if I say anything stupid must know it’s because I feel so shitty right now. I don’t know if you said that to make me shut up or because you really do love me…Either way I love you too.” He clenched his jaw, shaky hands. He hesitantly sent it.

 

Buzzz~! Phil smiled goofily at Dan’s new message. He loves him too. Then the realization of Dan being bothered came back into his thoughts.

 

“I am not just saying that, it’s the truth. I have loved you for quite some time now. Years. I won’t say since the day I met you XD But you definitely changed my mind once we became close :)” - Phil

 

All Dan could think was that Phil was lying. In the back of his mind he knew that Phil meant this. He meant what he said, and didn’t lie. But he would lie in this scenario. Dan stood up, knowing that this was a stupid idea. He opened the door, and stared at his hands. _What am I doing this is so stupid_ “Say it then” he muttered, feeling a blush rise on his cheeks.

 

After Phil fell down because the door opened up without a warning, he got up and looked at Dan. His face painted with crimson. “I love you!”

 

 _He said it. There’s your proof Dan, you’re fine you crybaby. He loves you._ Dan’s heart beat fast, his eyes downcast. He sighed, then looked up at Phil. “L-let’s go out then. On a date I mean. Or not, if you don’t want to but I feel like I can’t breathe in here and I need to be distanced..” Dan trailed off, still picking at his thumb as it started to bleed.

 

“Okay, sure! We haven’t see the outside world is…. how many days?” Phil laughed. “But wait…. Dan, you never told me what was bothering you?”

 

“It’s nothing important. I’ll tell you later, okay?” He said softly, his eyes flickering from Phil to his hand. Dan pushed past him, over to the window in the lounge so he could actually breathe.

 

“It might not seem important to you but it is to me” Phil replied, trailing right behind him.

 

“If you guess it, I’ll tell you. I promise”  Dan said, the cold air hitting his face. He knew that Phil most likely wouldn’t guess, and that made him feel better.

 

“Okay, can you tell me now?” Phil inquired, huddling close to Dan to steal his warmth.

 

“Fine. I like you and that stressed me out but now it’s okay. Happy?” He sighed, keeping the other part of his problem hidden. Phil analyzed Dan’s state after his statement. Something is still wrong, his brain registered.

 

“Is there anything else?”

 

“No, that’s it.” Dans voice was shaky, both from previous crying and from nervousness. Dan couldn’t act for shit even though he still tried

 

“I’m here for you! I am not gonna leave you, so, tell me! You’re my bestest friend, Dan!” Phil smiled brightly. “It’s okay.”

 

Dan definitely did not want to say. He usually would tell Phil if something was wrong, but more serious he’d keep to himself. He sat down right where he was, motioning for Phil to sit down too. Phil sat down. The atmosphere changed.

 

 _I can’t believe I’m doing this. Okay, Dan, it’s fine. He won’t judge you. He won’t hate you and he won’t think you’re stupid._ Dan put his knees up to his chest, slowly pulling his sleeves up and folding his arms towards Phil. This revealed scars all over his wrists and forearm, some old and some new. Dan suddenly felt guilty for showing him.

 

Heartbroken.

 

Phil was heartbroken. His regular constant breathing became distraught. Phil knew Dan used to cut but he didn’t realize he began to do it again. Phil fingers tremble over the scars.

 

“How long…. Have you…..”

 

“A month or so.” Dan replied, jumbled up with emotions, unable to look up at Phil.

 

A pause filled with the native tongue of passing cars.

 

“Do you want to stop?” Phil question gravely, analyzing each scar with his perspective.

 

“Of course!” Dan cried as if that was the stupidest question anyone asked him. “You don’t think I’m an idiot?!” Dan gulped in the What-If questions. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“I’m proud you told me. I’m devastated you started back up again but I am proud that you told me, Dan! That takes a lot.” Phil smiled, tears escaping from his tear ducts.He immediately embraced him into a hug. Dan’s arm gripped tight around Phil’s body.

 

“Thank you.” Dan smiled into the neck of Phil’s.

 

“If you ever feel like cutting, tell me.” Phil whispered, “You can use my arms if you need too.”

 

Dan froze.

 

“No, what the hell?” Dan spat, untangling from his companion. “Why would you say that?”

 

“Because, there’s no space on your arms and I want to help.”

 

“God! Not like that you spork!” Dan scoffs with a laugh.

 

“I’ll help you to stop, completely.” Phil bittersweet smiled.

 

“I know” Dan whispered before sweetly kisses Phil.

 

—-

It took efforts and time but Dan did became sober. It didn’t happen over night or the next month but after time and determination, Dan never cuts again. And he’s glad that Phil was there to encourage him on that he could do it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I'm somewhat back?
> 
> This fic idea was a commission from an anonymous on tumbler! Thank you for commissioning this :D
> 
> If any of you guys want to commission something, collab fic or my fics, they are welcome :)


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